With Sam at 17 days old, the best I can say is that I have had *moments* where I have been able to achieve balance, calm, and satisfaction. There are moments when I realize that this writhing little creature will grow into a child/boy/man who will surprise and love me and other people and who will make some impact on the world around him. He will be a little brother and comrade to Sylvie. He will grow out of diapers, he will learn to like baths and he won't be such a little critter. And Sylvie too: I see, from time to time, when my vision is not clouded by fatigue, how much she has already grown up and what a solid little person she is an how she makes me laugh. These are the moments when I feel a squeeze on my heart and these are the moments when I get verklempt.
Sylvie has generally been a star, patient and willing to help. But she has also become obsessed with acting like a baby herself, which doesn't really help the situation.
I know how lucky I am to have two healthy kids. And I am grateful for their (and our) health. And I am generally feeling more grounded and positive than I did immediately after Sylvie's birth. I just wanted to record some of the reality that I'm living right now.
Somehow, people find joy in these early days. I am still striving to achieve that. Maybe I will look back nostalgically on this time. But for now, I hold on to the mantra that this too shall pass.
Dude I think you are setting some punishingly high standards for yourself. I don't know anyone who finds this period of time joyful and blissful. Embrace the suck. Let yourself hate this. Then you can focus on the bright spots that don't suck without berating yourself for needing them.
ReplyDeleteI mean, my God, I am so terrified of what you are going through that I'm never going to have another kid! So kudos to you for jumping in with both feet.
Freakin' awesome post, Ann -- you are so amazing and wonderful. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteAnn- I think there are some typos in this post. I'm looking at this sentence: "They are able to embrace the temporary pain of sleep deprivation and healing, they can juggle the kids' needs expertly, they don't get mired down in the tantrums, and they can even find time for themselves," and I really think you mis-typed some words. Can you take a look at some of these below?
ReplyDelete1. I think "embrace" is supposed to read "endure, often with a drink or two."
2. "Expertly" is supposed to read "without breaking down in tears more than 4 times per day, except on days ending with "y" in which case they are allowed to break down up to twice hourly".
3. "don't get mired down" is supposed to read, "do a bunch of stuff that's embarassing but doesn't bring CPS to the door".
4. I think you got the first part right about "they can even find time for themselves" but I think you left off "when they go to the bathroom in the 15 seconds until the toddler wanders in and says 'What are you doing?' "
Can you please take a look and let me know what you think?
You definitely got the title right though. It does, and it will. Keep after it; they payoffs start sooner than you expect. - Mike (and Allison, Ezra and Asa.)
Ann, when my nipples were on fire from Theo clamping down at 3 am, I thought of you. When I resented Jamie for leaving us alone and going to work for the first time after my mom left, I thought of you. When he spit up all my milk at me after an hour long feeding session, I cried and thought of you. I thought, what would Zen- like, calm peaceful Ann do, how would she handle this? You are my WWAD so let's keep it together for the sake of both of us.
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